Steve's Blog of Stuff

Racing abandoned for today

2011-09-11T12:17:00.003+01:00

Software Roles

2011-09-09T10:04:00.001+01:00

Steve Jobs' text

2011-08-25T12:25:00.001+01:00

Steve Jobs' text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Damn you autocorrect!

Precise Mathematics - BRILLIANT!

2011-08-22T10:27:00.000+01:00

It always puzzled me how anyone could give more than 100% all is now revealed

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Tron code optimization

2011-08-19T13:58:00.001+01:00

Every time you optimize your code, in TRON-world some poor schlub gets escorted out of his office, you heartless downsizing bastard.

A day in the life of an Audi driver

2011-03-03T16:27:00.000Z

Feel free to substitute whatever make has a habit of tailgating you...
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways,which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the AUDI lane.
Anyway, once I was in the AUDI lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me,
I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the AUDI lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the AUDI lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a AUDI behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)
But the man at the police station said that because I drive a AUDI, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a AUDI!"

The Monk

2010-10-08T15:26:00.000+01:00

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way tothe sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

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.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

A little journey

2010-09-07T10:26:00.000+01:00

1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.

please scroll down

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Now that's the way to Amarillo!

You Know You're a Child of the 80's when...

2010-06-18T14:29:00.000+01:00

You remember when the biggest mystery in the world was who shot J.R.

Alvin Stardust taught you how to cross the road, using the classic phrase "you must be out of your tiny minds"... a bit rich coming from a man wearing a glove and a ring on the outside!

You remember when there was no breakfast TV and when TV shut down at midnight, and when there was nothing on TV in the middle of the day except for that test card girl with the stupid clown and a blackboard.

You know that another name for a keyboard is a Synthesizer

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

And Pong was tops until Donkey-Kong came along,which you thought would never be surpassed.

You own any cassettes.

You own any Spandau Ballet cassettes.

You remember dancing to popsters like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon, wearing silver suits and driving cars that flew... because that's what Raymond Baxter and Judith Hann said would happen!

You know who Max Headroom is. But did you ever find out if he was r-r-r-r-r-real?

You wore fluorescent, neon clothing.

You could breakdance, or wished you could.

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

You Believed that By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power.

You remember when Mark from Eastenders was Tucker Jenkins.

You watched Carry On films and thought they were really rude.

You remember what skin jeans were (and why everyone shouldn't have worn a pair!)

You owned a pair of Nomads

You hold a special place in your heart for Back to the Future.

You remember David Hasselhoff when he wore clothes and talked to his car.

You have heard of Cabbage Patch Dolls.

You remember and/or own any Care Bear's or Chiccaboo's.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.

You ever had a Swatch Watch.

You wanted a Morph.

You know the profound meaning of Wax on, Wax off.

You had WonderWoman or Superman underwear.

You remember that spiky flat-tops were the rave after Top Gun.

You used to boast about how they would achieve those motorcycle formation shots in CHiPs.

You used to get into the family car by sliding through the open window Dukes of Hazzard style.

You saw Ghostbusters 7 times.

You ran around the playground saying: "We came, we saw, we kicked ass!"

You knew all the opening monologues to: The A-team, StreetHawk and Airwolf.

Kajagoogoo? Thompson Twins? FGTH? Twisted Sister?

You remember Nena's hairy armpits

Saturday was Multi Coloured Swap Shop day.

You remember the theme to the Banana Splits.

The words 'I'm gonna live forever, i'm gonna learn how to fly' are special to you.

You or someone you know had an Evil Knievel toy.

You wore leg-warmers (or knew someone who did)

There was nothing strange about Bert 'n' Ernie living together... or Morecambe and Wise sharing a bed!

You learned to swim after seeing the advert with Rolf Harris ... or the bloke (with the fairy godmother) who couldn't keep his girlfriend.

You know the theme tune and the names of all the actors and characters in Dallas & Dynasty.

The kids on "Why Don't You" looked old... and cool... and you know the full name of the programme.

You wanted to go to a Swaparama... but they were never near to you.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

You know who Joey Deacon was.

Ca-vey Wa-vey!" means anything to you.

K-Tel was a major force in music.

You owned a Ronco Buttoneer.

You wouldn't say no to a milkshake

You remember when PC had one meaning, rather than three.

Ooh, you could crush a Grape!

You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You went to school with Pogo Patterson, Gripper Stebson, and Roland.

Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy have ever featured on your Saturday afternoon

WoW

2010-06-08T08:23:00.000+01:00

Looks like I've joined the dark side and started playing World of Warcraft.
Created my first Orc Warrior character over the weekend.

Tourist Guide to NI

2010-06-04T14:59:00.002+01:00

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money.The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result.

If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again.

Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs.

Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

Guess what this is?

2010-06-03T11:17:00.000+01:00

It's a new Prison in UK !

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON	@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell	You spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office
@ PRISON	@ WORK
You get three meals a day fully paid for	You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
@ PRISON	@ WORK
You get time off for good behaviour	You get more work for Good behaviour
@ PRISON	@ WORK
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you	You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
@ PRISON	@ WORK
You can watch TV and play games	You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
@ PRISON	@ WORK
You get your own toilet	You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
@ PRISON	@ WORK
They allow your family and friends to visit	You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON	@ WORK
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required	You get to pay all your expenses to goto work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON	@ WORK
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out	You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON	@ WORK
You must deal with sadistic wardens	They are called managers

Belfast Lough Sailability Skud 18 Test Sail

2010-05-16T09:23:00.000+01:00

Some figures from the little test sail on the new Belfast Lough Sailability Skud 18.

5 bests' average = 17.49km/h [9.44Knots]
Best Speed n°1 = 18.83km/h [10.17Knots] (15.7 meters in 3.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°2 = 18.4km/h [9.94Knots] (20.4 meters in 4.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°3 = 17.24km/h [9.31Knots] (4.8 meters in 1.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°4 = 17.2km/h [9.29Knots] (4.8 meters in 1.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°5 = 15.76km/h [8.51Knots] (70.1 meters in 16.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°6 = 15.68km/h [8.47Knots] (65.3 meters in 15.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°7 = 15.23km/h [8.22Knots] (63.5 meters in 15.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°8 = 15.19km/h [8.2Knots] (38.0 meters in 9.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°9 = 14.01km/h [7.56Knots] (54.5 meters in 14.0 sec.)
Best Speed n°10 = 13.92km/h [7.52Knots] (69.6 meters in 18.0 sec.)

5 best 100 meter (at least) average = 14.66km/h [7.91Knots]

100 meter run n°1 = 16.34km/h [8.82Knots] (104.4 m. in 23.0 s.)
100 meter run n°2 = 15.72km/h [8.49Knots] (135.4 m. in 31.0 s.)
100 meter run n°3 = 14.34km/h [7.74Knots] (107.6 m. in 27.0 s.)
100 meter run n°4 = 13.57km/h [7.33Knots] (116.9 m. in 31.0 s.)
100 meter run n°5 = 13.3km/h [7.18Knots] (107.1 m. in 29.0 s.)

5 best 200 meter (at least) average = 13.21km/h [7.13Knots]

200 meter run n°1 = 15.99km/h [8.63Knots] (239.8 m. in 54.0 s.)
200 meter run n°2 = 13.27km/h [7.16Knots] (206.4 m. in 56.0 s.)
200 meter run n°3 = 13.22km/h [7.14Knots] (235.1 m. in 64.0 s.)
200 meter run n°4 = 13.08km/h [7.06Knots] (221.6 m. in 61.0 s.)
200 meter run n°5 = 10.47km/h [5.65Knots] (224.0 m. in 77.0 s.)

5 best 5 second (at least) average = 16.09km/h [8.69Knots]

5 second run n°1 = 18.59km/h [10.04Knots] (36.1 m. in 7.0 s.)
5 second run n°2 = 15.76km/h [8.51Knots] (70.1 m. in 16.0 s.)
5 second run n°3 = 15.68km/h [8.47Knots] (65.3 m. in 15.0 s.)
5 second run n°4 = 15.23km/h [8.22Knots] (63.5 m. in 15.0 s.)
5 second run n°5 = 15.19km/h [8.2Knots] (38.0 m. in 9.0 s.)

5 best 10 second (at least) average = 15.14km/h [8.18Knots]

10 second run n°1 = 16.34km/h [8.82Knots] (104.4 m. in 23.0 s.)
10 second run n°2 = 15.76km/h [8.51Knots] (70.1 m. in 16.0 s.)
10 second run n°3 = 15.68km/h [8.47Knots] (65.3 m. in 15.0 s.)
10 second run n°4 = 14.01km/h [7.56Knots] (54.5 m. in 14.0 s.)
10 second run n°5 = 13.92km/h [7.52Knots] (69.6 m. in 18.0 s.)

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One for the geeks

2010-04-23T09:38:00.000+01:00

"...when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error..."

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

2010-02-01T15:49:00.002Z

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar sointoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.

The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night).

Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Real answers on various quizzes (allegedly)...

2009-10-30T12:37:00.000Z

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE20
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIOï¿½MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ...
Richard: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er .. .....
Richard: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ...... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ...
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

Her Diary / His Diary

2009-10-09T13:39:00.001+01:00

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

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HIS DIARY:
Motorcycle wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

The seedy world of British taxes

2009-09-25T16:36:00.002+01:00

Dear Mr A***

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and "pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India", you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

H***

Customer Relations

An Actual 1955 Good Housekeeping article

2009-09-25T14:08:00.000+01:00

Portpatrick Race Results

2009-09-11T06:58:00.005+01:00

Results based on the elapsed times I've been sent

Start:Start 1, Finishes:Place
Rank	Boat	SailNo	IRC	Start	Finish	Elapsed	Corrected	BCE	Points
1	CHARLIE DONT SURF	IRL99999	0.978	09:05	12:45:36	3:40:36	3:35:45	0:00:00	1.0
2	SPIRIT OF JACANA	IRL1335	1.114	09:05	12:20:20	3:15:20	3:37:36	0:01:40	2.0
3	FANDANGO	GBR4500	0.914	09:05	13:03:50	3:58:50	3:38:18	0:02:47	3.0
4	SKI	GBR 250	1.010	09:05	12:42:56	3:37:56	3:40:07	0:04:19	4.0
5	CHAIN GANG	GBR9171	0.901	09:05	13:10:59	4:05:59	3:41:38	0:06:32	5.0
6	BLUES	K4353	0.914	09:05	13:08:05	4:03:05	3:42:11	0:07:02	6.0
7	SPINDRIFT	IRL635	0.940	09:05	13:02:53	3:57:53	3:43:37	0:08:22	7.0
8	CARIAD	K4313	0.914	09:05	13:14:00	4:09:00	3:47:35	0:12:57	8.0
9	STARSHINE	GBR4295	0.914	09:05	13:25:10	4:20:10	3:57:48	0:24:07	9.0
10	CORONA	GBR5631	0.897	09:05	DNF	DNF			13.0
10	AY CARAMBA	GBR4421	0.914	09:05	DNS	DNS			13.0
10	MARGARITA	GBR1340	1.033	09:05	DNS	DNS			13.0

Royal Ulster Porpatrick Race

2009-09-08T07:39:00.002+01:00

So we managed to do the RUYC Portpatrick Race on S.K.I with only 5 on board and not break anything. It was a pretty breezy race over, apparently it was gusting over 30 knots. The course was from the Royal Ulster Start line to South Briggs to Cloghan Jetty to the Finish off Portpatrick.

Strangely enough we had a dose of common sense and opted for the fractional kite. Didn't fancy what might have happened if we had crashed with the big gear up and only half a crew. Although that didn't stop us having some quicks bits; 13.8 was spotted on the tactick on one surf, and the gps has quite few sectors of over 14 when on starboard gybe which was slightly down tide.

No results up yet, but some rough back of beer mat calculations on the times make us think we might be in with a shot at a podium. we did cost ourselves a bit of time by holding off on our last gybe for too long because we thought there would be more of the early ebb on the scottish shore than there actually was.

Sunday's trip home was a bit uneventful, number 3 and full main at 6.5 to 7 kts. highlight was Nigel being sick on the boat for the first time that anyone can remember

Some screenshots below of the GPS track from the race.

Michael Slattery Fifteen Event

2009-07-28T10:36:00.003+01:00

Yeah, ended up 2nd in the Michael Slattery Classic Flying Fifteen Event held on Sunday 26th July
OK so there were only 5 boats out to play, but why let the facts interfere in a good story!
The start was delayed for an hour for several reasons; to give Gav & Ginge time to get launched since they never bothered to check the tide for launching, and also to allow the wind to drop a little. Thankfully the wind did drop enough from the 28knots that was being recorder in the marina to get a course laid. 3 out of the 4 races were run in fairly breezy conditions that gave some good runs. Thankfully the waves weren't as bad as they can be for that direction and strength of wind

Pupeteer Irish Nationals

2009-07-28T10:29:00.002+01:00

Did some sailing on Jellyroll down at Howth for the Pupeteer 22 Irish National Championship
No racing on Friday evening because there was no wind. Bit of a let down after having spent all day finishing off putting the boat together since it was last sailed 6 years ago. Saturday was a much more civilised days racing with two Windward/Leewards and a Triangular course completed.
Missed the Sunday races (which sounded entertaining) because I had to be back home for a Flying 15 event.

How rumours start in the office

2009-07-03T13:27:00.001+01:00

Why executives make more money

2009-07-03T13:20:00.001+01:00

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives will. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is in fact true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.
As every Engineer knows, Work / Time = Power
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work / Money = Knowledge
Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

A young businessman had just started his own firm

2009-07-03T13:19:00.000+01:00

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Postal Worker

2009-06-25T10:54:00.001+01:00

The Postal worker noticed the envelope adressed simply "To God". No address, just "To God" He opened it and read; Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next week is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you help me? Please, hear my prayer. Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into their wallet and managed to come up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he put into an envelope and sent back to the woman's return address. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to "God". All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you for what you did for me? I now truly believe in God, and in Miracles. Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told them of your wonderful gift. By the way, I noticed there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those thieving bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna

The end of the Virtual Volvo Ocean Race Game

2009-06-24T16:20:00.003+01:00

So you finish the Virtual Volvo Ocean Race Game and they give you a virtual certificate to download. WooHoo !!!

BBQ Rules

2009-06-05T13:46:00.002+01:00

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Telephone Networks

2009-06-02T10:25:00.001+01:00

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read:
"English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a south-west Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metre in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless!!

Virtual Volvo Ocean Race

2009-04-27T08:49:00.002+01:00

Finished the leg to Boston at the front of the Carrickfergus Sailing Club group. OK so I was only 3556 overall out of the thousands of people

Northern Ireland Kite Challenge

2009-04-17T11:24:00.001+01:00

And I thought us sailors did some daft things:

A team of Northern Irish kitesurfers are facing their greatest challenge.
To cross the Irish Sea. The team will set aside a week in September 2009, when
the conditions are right the riders will launch from Ballywalter in Northern
Ireland to sail 24 miles to Portlogan in Scotland. Purpose, to help raise funds
for local charities.
http://www.kitechallenge.com/

.... Walks into a bar

2009-04-07T12:22:00.000+01:00

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

J/24 Class Rules change

2009-02-18T17:06:00.002Z

So the J/24 class rules have changed for this year. These two interest me from the news item on the J/24 class website:

Cabin Moulding - Rule 3.2.4
Change the cabin moulding specification on the starboard side aft of the main bulkhead to make a basin, sink or stove optional to conform to the new interior.

Does this mean the chainsaw will be out on some boats? More to the point; if there is no sink where are all the jib cars and winch handles and rig gauge and all the miscellaneous junk going to be stored on my boat?

Sails - Rule 3.6.2
Change the part of the existing rule relating to genoas so that for the genoa, the ply material shall be either woven and/or laminated ply of either polyester, HMPE or aramid.

Guess this means Kevlar and stuff like that are finally allowed.

2009-02-16T10:03:00.003Z

Finally finished the Virtual Vendee Globe race round the world. It took 98 days 21 hours and 55 minutes and I finished 23,098 out of over 200 thousand players

Finding old web pages

2009-02-03T13:42:00.000Z

Found a couple of useful things out today in work. Couldn't get onto BEA's WLS documentation pages. And a couple of suggestions I got back from work colleagues were:
Go to google search and type in "cache:http://whatever.com" as the search term. It will give you back a previous version of that page. However it doesn't do anything with the links so there is a bit of copy'n'paste to follow links down.
Or go to http://archive.org and type in the web page you are looking for and get gives you a list of old version to choose from. And better still it translates all the links in the page as well so that they refer to the previous version as well

Trapdoor

2009-01-31T10:13:00.001Z

Bit of a flashback to a lot of years back

<a href="http://www.joost.com/007oj4o/t/The-Trapdoor-Episode-1-Breakfast-Time">The Trapdoor - Episode 1 - Breakfast Time</a>

Converting between UNIX timestamps and Excel dates

2009-01-30T15:57:00.002Z

I've found myself needing to convert again between UNIX timestamps and Excel dates
This time I'm going to take the opportunity to finally writing this down so that I can refer back to it rather than having to work them out from scratch each time.

Unix timestamps are measured as a number of seconds from 1st Jan 1970
Excel dates are a number of days from 1st Jan 1900

So the formula to convert from a Unix timestamp E to an Excel date E is:
E = ( U / 86400 ) + 25568
And then the reverse is:
U = ( E - 25568 ) * 86400

The two constants in these formula are:
86400 - number of seconds in a day
25568 - number of days between 1st Jan 1900 and 1st Jan 1970

Barrack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital

2009-01-30T12:44:00.001Z

Barrack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

Windy

2009-01-18T10:55:00.002Z

It got a bit windy down at Carrickfergus Sailing Club yesterday. The anemometer had gusts of over 80mph in the middle of the afternoon. Check out the video clips that I've loaded up to youtube.

Old Pilot Sayings... Rules of the Air

2009-01-16T15:03:00.001Z

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

A 'good' landing is one you can walk away from. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Cape Horn in The Virtual Vendee Globe

2009-01-15T16:48:00.002Z

Yeah, I've made it round Cape Horn in the Virtual Vendee Globe race. Only the length of the Atlantic to the finish now ....

Desert Island Bloke

2009-01-14T08:32:00.000Z

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'. She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you'. 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice'. 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .....
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*cking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

A Modern Parable

2009-01-05T15:01:00.001Z

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US , claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses... and now they want a bail out!

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

RYA - Knowledge Base - Racing Rules of Sailing - Guide to the new racing rules 2009-2012

2009-01-03T11:15:00.000Z

Came across this presentation on the RYA web site that goes through the new Racing Rules of Sailing changes
RYA - Knowledge Base - Racing Rules of Sailing - Guide to the new racing rules 2009-2012

Noah

2008-12-31T09:43:00.002Z

It came to pass in the year 2008 , that verily, the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in Ballymoney), and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see all manner of devils, terrorists in government and the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing. And lo, He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.
"I needed Building Control approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
"My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Planning Appeals Commission for a decision.
"Once Seymour Sweeney saw what I was up to, he submitted alternative plans with the backing of the local MP, and you have no idea how hard it was convincing a Paisley that you were actually on my side.
"Then the Department of the Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
And in July I had to pay off racketeers as insurance against the local kids taking the wood for the Eleventh Night bonfire.
"When I started gathering the animals, the USPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhuman to put so many animals in a confined space. They said if he spotted me with any pit bulls, I would never see the Ark float.
"Nor was I aware that marching the animals on to the Ark two by two constituted a parade, so I had to apply to the Parades Commission for permission. They just couldn't get their heads round the fact that the end of the world is nigh, and that telling people it was could maybe even have a positive effect on community relations.
"Then the Borough Council, the DoE and the Rivers Authority ruled that couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
"Then Harland & Wolff stepped in, and said the project hadn't been subject to normal tendering practices, as they hadn't been allowed to present a business plan, so the whole thing went to judicial review. It didn't help that the judge's grandfather had worked on the Titanic and thought I was taking the piss.
"To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
After several neighbours accused me of being 'on drugs', the Assets Recovery Agency took some persuading that I had managed to put this project together without any visible means of income after I said I was relying on divine intervention.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy Northern Ireland?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Assembly beat me to it."

Nine Words Women Use

2008-12-17T11:59:00.000Z

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying..... YOU IDIOT!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

6 die in tragic accident

2008-12-16T11:05:00.003Z

Countdown to Volvo Ocean Race Cochin Leg Start

2008-12-12T12:44:00.001Z

Click here for the countdown

Volvo Ocean Race Timezones

2008-12-11T10:57:00.002Z

Want to know what time it is in the various ports that the Volvo OceanRace visits as the boats travel round the world?
TimeAndDate.com allows you to create links to a single page that displays the time in various cities

Software Problem

2008-12-07T09:51:00.001Z

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinkingmates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts with these two products and only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Ladsnightout 3.1,Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9 .Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware programme Slapper 2.1 but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system forcing me to shut down for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 1.2 at the same time. But when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0 . While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cooking Plus and Cleanhouse 2008.

Shortly after this upgrade I found Wife 1.0 was unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted.

Wife 1.0 needs upgrading regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 convertible hard drive it often crashes. It also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law.

Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but when Wife1.0 detects Mistress 2008 it tends to delete all my money before uninstalling itself.

Cool video of foiling moths

2008-12-05T10:39:00.002Z

Just saw this mentioned on Sailing Anarchy

Santa Physics

2008-12-03T15:00:00.000Z

1. There are approximately 2 billion children in the world. Since Santa does not visit Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, this reduces the workload to 15 per cent of the total, or 378 million. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes.
2. Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second and a total trip of 75.5 million miles. So Santa's sleigh has to move at 650 miles per second.
3. Assuming that each child gets only a medium-sized Lego set (2lb), the sleigh is carrying more than 500,000 tons. A reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even if the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times that, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload another 54,000 tons.
4. 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each; they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second, or about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 Gs. A 250lb Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015lb of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.
5. Therefore if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
6. Happy Christmas

The Xmas Party

2008-12-03T14:54:00.000Z

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE : 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little
Foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays a re allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Google Earth Blog: Vendee Globe in Google Earth

2008-12-03T13:11:00.000Z

Came across this article Google Earth Blog: Vendee Globe in Google Earth
It includes a link to display the current positions of the Vendee Globe competitors in Google Earth
And another one that auto updates every 6 hours

Lego Star Wars

2008-11-25T11:02:00.000Z

Got Lego Star Wars from play.com the other day fro my PSP. Nice silly game to keep me amused on the train to and from work each day, although I do now want to sit and play it in work as well, but that probably isn't the best idea in the world

Virtual Volvo Race

2008-11-24T15:28:00.000Z

Just gained one or two places in the VVOR. Maybe going south and east is starting to pay off

Computer Nerds

1998-04-03T21:39:00.000+01:00

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'

1998-04-03T21:38:00.000+01:00

by Richard Lederer

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.Cherney and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Prison vs Work

1998-04-03T21:37:00.000+01:00

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work, you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work, we have managers.

Cows and isms

1998-04-03T21:35:00.000+01:00

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

The Story of Mel, a Real Programmer

1998-04-03T16:01:00.000+01:00

A recent article devoted to the *macho* side of programming
made the bald and unvarnished statement:
Real Programmers write in FORTRAN.
Maybe they do now,
in this decadent era of
Lite beer, hand calculators, and "user-friendly" software
but back in the Good Old Days,
when the term "software" sounded funny
and Real Computers were made out of drums and vacuum tubes,
Real Programmers wrote in machine code.
Not FORTRAN. Not RATFOR. Not, even, assembly language.
Machine Code.
Raw, unadorned, inscrutable hexadecimal numbers.
Directly.
Lest a whole new generation of programmers
grow up in ignorance of this glorious past,
I feel duty-bound to describe,
as best I can through the generation gap,
how a Real Programmer wrote code.
I'll call him Mel,
because that was his name.
I first met Mel when I went to work for Royal McBee Computer Corp.,
a now-defunct subsidiary of the typewriter company.
The firm manufactured the LGP-30,
a small, cheap (by the standards of the day)
drum-memory computer,
and had just started to manufacture
the RPC-4000, a much-improved,
bigger, better, faster -- drum-memory computer.
Cores cost too much,
and weren't here to stay, anyway.
(That's why you haven't heard of the company,
or the computer.)
I had been hired to write a FORTRAN compiler
for this new marvel and Mel was my guide to its wonders.
Mel didn't approve of compilers.
"If a program can't rewrite its own code",
he asked, "what good is it?"
Mel had written,
in hexadecimal,
the most popular computer program the company owned.
It ran on the LGP-30
and played blackjack with potential customers
at computer shows.
Its effect was always dramatic.
The LGP-30 booth was packed at every show,
and the IBM salesmen stood around
talking to each other.
Whether or not this actually sold computers
was a question we never discussed.
Mel's job was to re-write
the blackjack program for the RPC-4000.
(Port? What does that mean?)
The new computer had a one-plus-one
addressing scheme,
in which each machine instruction,
in addition to the operation code
and the address of the needed operand,
had a second address that indicated where, on the revolving drum,
the next instruction was located.
In modern parlance,
every single instruction was followed by a GO TO!
Put *that* in Pascal's pipe and smoke it.
Mel loved the RPC-4000
because he could optimize his code:
that is, locate instructions on the drum
so that just as one finished its job,
the next would be just arriving at the "read head"
and available for immediate execution.
There was a program to do that job,
an "optimizing assembler",
but Mel refused to use it.
"You never know where it's going to put things",
he explained, "so you'd have to use separate constants".
It was a long time before I understood that remark.
Since Mel knew the numerical value
of every operation code,
and assigned his own drum addresses,
every instruction he wrote could also be considered
a numerical constant.
He could pick up an earlier "add" instruction, say,
and multiply by it,
if it had the right numeric value.
His code was not easy for someone else to modify.
I compared Mel's hand-optimized programs
with the same code massaged by the optimizing assembler program,
and Mel's always ran faster.
That was because the "top-down" method of program design
hadn't been invented yet,
and Mel wouldn't have used it anyway.
He wrote the innermost parts of his program loops first,
so they would get first choice
of the optimum address locations on the drum.
The optimizing assembler wasn't smart enough to do it that way.
Mel never wrote time-delay loops, either,
even when the balky Flexowriter
required a delay between output characters to work right.
He just located instructions on the drum
so each successive one was just *past* the read head
when it was needed;
the drum had to execute another complete revolution
to find the next instruction.
He coined an unforgettable term for this procedure.
Although "optimum" is an absolute term,
like "unique", it became common verbal practice
to make it relative:
"not quite optimum" or "less optimum"
or "not very optimum".
Mel called the maximum time-delay locations
the "most pessimum".
After he finished the blackjack program
and got it to run
("Even the initializer is optimized",
he said proudly),
he got a Change Request from the sales department.
The program used an elegant (optimized)
random number generator
to shuffle the "cards" and deal from the "deck",
and some of the salesmen felt it was too fair,
since sometimes the customers lost.
They wanted Mel to modify the program
so, at the setting of a sense switch on the console,
they could change the odds and let the customer win.
Mel balked.
He felt this was patently dishonest,
which it was,
and that it impinged on his personal integrity as a programmer,
which it did,
so he refused to do it.
The Head Salesman talked to Mel,
as did the Big Boss and, at the boss's urging,
a few Fellow Programmers.
Mel finally gave in and wrote the code,
but he got the test backwards,
and, when the sense switch was turned on,
the program would cheat, winning every time.
Mel was delighted with this,
claiming his subconscious was uncontrollably ethical,
and adamantly refused to fix it.
After Mel had left the company for greener pa$ture$,
the Big Boss asked me to look at the code
and see if I could find the test and reverse it.
Somewhat reluctantly, I agreed to look.
Tracking Mel's code was a real adventure.
I have often felt that programming is an art form,
whose real value can only be appreciated
by another versed in the same arcane art;
there are lovely gems and brilliant coups
hidden from human view and admiration, sometimes forever,
by the very nature of the process.
You can learn a lot about an individual
just by reading through his code,
even in hexadecimal.
Mel was, I think, an unsung genius.
Perhaps my greatest shock came
when I found an innocent loop that had no test in it.
No test. *None*.
Common sense said it had to be a closed loop,
where the program would circle, forever, endlessly.
Program control passed right through it, however,
and safely out the other side.
It took me two weeks to figure it out.
The RPC-4000 computer had a really modern facility
called an index register.
It allowed the programmer to write a program loop
that used an indexed instruction inside;
each time through,
the number in the index register
was added to the address of that instruction,
so it would refer
to the next datum in a series.
He had only to increment the index register
each time through.
Mel never used it.
Instead, he would pull the instruction into a machine register,
add one to its address,
and store it back.
He would then execute the modified instruction
right from the register.
The loop was written so this additional execution time
was taken into account ---
just as this instruction finished,
the next one was right under the drum's read head,
ready to go.
But the loop had no test in it.
The vital clue came when I noticed
the index register bit,
the bit that lay between the address
and the operation code in the instruction word,
was turned on ---
yet Mel never used the index register,
leaving it zero all the time.
When the light went on it nearly blinded me.
He had located the data he was working on
near the top of memory ---
the largest locations the instructions could address ---
so, after the last datum was handled,
incrementing the instruction address
would make it overflow.
The carry would add one to the
operation code, changing it to the next one in the instruction set:
a jump instruction.
Sure enough, the next program instruction was
in address location zero,
and the program went happily on its way.
I haven't kept in touch with Mel,
so I don't know if he ever gave in to the flood of
change that has washed over programming techniques
since those long-gone days.
I like to think he didn't.
In any event,
I was impressed enough that I quit looking for the
offending test,
telling the Big Boss I couldn't find it.
He didn't seem surprised.
When I left the company,
the blackjack program would still cheat
if you turned on the right sense switch,
and I think that's how it should be.
I didn't feel comfortable
hacking up the code of a Real Programmer.